Conversations with B 2017 12-07a – The State of Things

NAMJ: Hey, B. This morning, listening to the radio about what’s going on in the world, and with the current president made me wonder something. Is all this chaos going to lead to something better?

B: Everything always leads to something better.

NAMJ: That’s a pretty bold statement.

B: Not really. You could also say that everything always leads to something worse, and that too would be true to some extent. Haven’t you learned yet that nothing is as it seems? It is all how you perceive it, and those perceptions are constantly changing, especially if you let yourself become attached to all that mumbo jumbo out there flying around. Everything is always changing. Everything. You can’t always see it, but everything is always in flux.

As for the state of things, the same is true. You have heard that things need to get worse before they get better. While we don’t like to focus on the worse part, this to an extent is true, too. What makes people change things? Worsening of circumstances.

NAMJ: I don’t like to think about that. I just want things to be better. I don’t want to have to go through trials, and I don’t want to think about others having to go through trials. It hurts.

B: Indeed. Trials, as you say, is the space in which change happens though. Where growth happens. The sooner you can embrace that, the sooner you will find more ease. And then, once the trial is over there is a period of comfort. Then guess what? More trials. And the cycle continues. As humans you try to run from trials. You do everything you can think of to avoid them, to feel better.

Have you ever noticed that when you can’t run anymore and are faced to confront your trial, or you make the choice to confront it, that once you’re done you feel like you’ve been given new life? You feel stronger, more empowered, relieved. When you look back you think, “Wow. That was hard, but I don’t have to do that again. I’m so glad I went through it?”

NAMJ: Yes, I suppose you’re right. But I hate the going through part. Actually, I hate the lead up to going through more.

B: Yes. Anticipation and rumination of what it could be, or how it will go down, is the worst. And that is what is going on right now. Anticipation and rumination. There is a lot that you feel is messed up. A lot that is messed up, despite it being perfect as it is. For a long time people have been ruminating. Anticipating a change that doesn’t seem to come. There is also a big feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.

I would pose that maybe that guy in charge is bringing that to a head, which causes people to fight back against it which in turn actually helps to keep things at the status quo. But you have someone who doesn’t acknowledge the status quo and that’s scary for people.

NAMJ: So, do you think that things need to blow up before they get better?

B: Not necessarily. You could go on like this forever, chipping away a little bit here and there, maybe getting a teeny tiny reprieve. Then someone from the other side coming in and undoing, and then back to chipping away at something else. Isn’t that painful too?

NAMJ: It’s like a slow burn.

B: Yes. And you can’t rebuild while that is happening. Or, if you do, you can only do it around the edges of the fire.

NAMJ: Interesting. That gives me a lot to think about.

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Dreams 101

I know it’s boring to read about other peoples’s dreams so this post is more for me than any reader that may stumble across this page.

I’ve been having vivid dreams and I’ve read that it could be helpful to document them, even if you don’t know the meanings behind them. So I’ll keep this category on the blog for my own use to see what comes of it for myself.

It’s already afternoon so I’ve probably forgotten the full dream but parts are still intact.

In last night’s dream I was babysitting. Yes, I’m a middle aged woman who was babysitting for a woman who was my age or possibly younger. We’d known each other through a mutual friend who was a pastor at a church I once attended although, the woman and I had never been at the same church. In the dream she stayed home the entire time I was there and I watched the kids as she did her art and visited with friends. The house was pretty messy and I tried to clean up after the kids and clean her kitchen. [funny, that is what I did as a younger babysitter myself. If the family left dirty dishes, I cleaned them up for them. I always thought that was a nice touch].

One of the kids went down for a nap and the other played. The third child was this tiny little kid. By tiny I don’t mean small. He was two years old but was only two inches tall! I remember that he was on some type of medical program to increase his size but either it wasn’t working yet or the treatment was new. I remember thinking about the tiny skeleton that was found somewhere and was tested at Stanford University to see if it was alien. I thought, so it wasn’t alien! There is some type of disease, or whatever, that causes this in humans. [meaning of this dream: I’ve been watching too many weird TV shows].

The woman had been a silver jewelry maker but wasn’t doing that anymore. It wasn’t clear if she was married or if she had made a bunch of money in her past jewelry career that she was living off of now. So, as I was finishing up and getting ready to leave I was cleaning something up off of the floor and the oldest boy came to me and held something out to me and asked if I wanted to taste it. I looked up and it was a gag gift that was a larger than life sweet-tart penis. All I could say was, “Oh, no, no, no.” I wasn’t offended that he had it but I was offended that he had asked me if I wanted to taste it, as if he knew exactly what he was doing. His mom whisked him away but didn’t seem embarrassed or anything. So that was an interesting dream.

Later I had another dream where I had some type of nervous breakdown. I lost control of my body, like a heavy, lethargic noodle, and just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. I was taken to a psychiatric office but it was more counselors, not doctors or a hospital. They prescribed some type of medicine that would make me sleep for 12 hours and said that after that I’d be fine. I don’t know who was there with me or who took me home but I think that that is exactly what happened and I was fine. I remember being in that state that I just didn’t care. Leave me alone. [that is what depression feels like in real life. I also watched a documentary last night about a guy with aspergers and OCD. In it his mother talked about what a mess he was when he was in college, and having a breakdown. Message of this dream again: too much TV before bed].

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Trusting Your Guidance

For years I’ve tried to get in touch with my higher self, or my inner guidance, or whatever you want to call it. These days I call it my guides. Last night, while lying in bed and being open I finally got it. Everything I’ve known about this in my head to be true finally integrated in my heart.

Yes, they are always there. I believe that meditation and practicing talking with them more has helped me to reach this point, finally. The more I meditate, the easier it is to stay in that place and the easier it is to connect without having to spend five to ten minutes getting into that head space, or state of relaxation where things are more clear and open.

Last night I got the sense, the knowing, that all I have to do now (besides keeping up my practice that helps keep the channels open) is to sit for a second and wait. The guidance is right there. It sounds so simple but for years I couldn’t get it. Maybe all this work I’m doing about retrieving soul fragments and akashic record visits to integrate and heal myself is having an effect too.

It really doesn’t matter, does it? Just like B said yesterday, if you pull yourself out of the present moment by trying to analyze and figure it out, you disconnect from it. The why or how is not important. Being and experiencing is.

My writing has also opened up. I’m still feeling a little block to sitting down and starting but once I start, it’s flowing better. I’m letting the story flow through me, not from me. I was actually excited last night and couldn’t wait to get back to writing today.

I have a lot more work to do and a lot more healing, but this was a big break through and it’s hard to describe in words. That used to feel like a lonely place because I like to be able to share this with others however, I’m also getting to the place where if it feels good for me alone, it’s enough.

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